I still can't get over that I'm actually blogging... XD

I just had a talk. With my teacher and... school shrink? Okay, I admit, I spent the last 15 minutes trying to find the proper English word for the Swedish "kurator", but I FAIL. What do they teach us in school these days? I mean, I quit English class because I outsmarted my teachers, and I don't even know what "kurator" is in English. Does that make sense? No. And now I'm just rambling, so I'll stop and go back on topic.

The talk. It really wasn't much other than what I already knew and had made up my mind about already. (Which I haven't written here on my blog. That's bad blogging for ya'all.) I'm gonna move to Dad's. Ignore whatever Mum has to say about that. I know I'll have to deal with Altisa and Dad's drunken parties, small, annoying siblings and fights between Dad and Altisa. But I think that's better than staying at home actually. When I was at Dad's this last weekend I felt much more at home and cozy that I do, well... at home. Then, imagine what happens when I get my stuff into the house and actually live there...

Yeah. I like that.

It's like I wrote all those months ago after Erised (here I go with my Harry Potter again... but it's unavoidable... and it gives me a reason to post this on my other blog as well. 8D). "Home isn't a place, it's a feeling." That feeling is the strongest when I'm with my Harry Potter-mates, but I also had a bit of it at Dad's. Which is all that matters, isn't it?

Like a beautiful white angel with a dark inside.

That's how I feel right now. The world around me isn't real, neither am I. Only the pain exists. Numb, that's a good word for it. The keys I'm pressing right now feels like they'll dissolve the second I press them. My insides are cold, unfeeling, yet I know how I'm supposed to feel and acts thereafter. Smiling when I should smile. Laughing when I'm supposed to. Loving without feeling. Fooling everyone. Crying on the inside, because this is not who and what I want to be. I want to be happy, enjoy spring and feel relief at school soon being over, like everyone else. But my heart weighs so much I can't stand it. It feels so big, yet unable to feel anything except the pain. I wish I could rip it out, would have done so already if it weren't for my stupid bravery that tells me I have to live on. Endure. But for how long?

Yes, that is how bad it is now. And I don't know who to tell, don't know who to confide in. But if I can't trust my father, and my mother no longer wants me in the house, what am I supposed to do?

If one can't talk to the ones who gave one life, should one speak at all?

My biggest fear, my Dementors, are back, and I have not enough feeling left in me to conjure up a Patronus.

I should be doing school work, but I need to get this off my chest...

"I love you."
"I love you."
"Doesn't sound like it."

-_-

Conversation between me and Mum today. She said the first and last. I just get so tired. I can't figure her out. What does she want me to say? How does she want me to say it? I do mean it. I mean, she's my mum. How can i not love her?

My heart is hurting again, but I refuse to have another panic attack (as happened a few days ago but I didn't write about it here, only on ThePhotodiary...). It's horrible, scary, and it does nothing to improve my mood. So no. It's not happening. But I'm feeling a big urge to blog and get everything off my chest, which is a good thing, yes? Finally I'm actually using the blog more than once a month, or even less.

Anyway, were at war with my sister again. Woho... not. I hoped it wasn't going to happen again, but apparently I didn't have big hopes, because when I found out I just went: "Oh. That's sad, but you shouldn't care about her..." Mum didn't listen, she was set on moping around and crying her eyes out and dragging me down in the dark emo basement along with her. But I refuse! No more is that sister of mine gonna hurt me again. I've had enough of it. And I'm still convinced about that one day, Tim is gonna run away from home and come to his grandmother and aunt.

Oh, gawd. I'm a frikkin' aunt. Like Aunt Petunia. Aunt Lee. (Tim calls me "Lee", yes.) I like the Swedish word better, actually... ^^'
Gonna stop with the Harry Potter-related stuff now. They belong on another blog. *shameless advertisement* ^^'

Oh, look! I'm posting! =O

Because it's ages since i last did it, isn't it? I've just been all busy with my other blog, which I'm starting to love almost too much. Nah, kidding. You can't love anything too much, can you, as long as love in the right way. Dunna what that means, but it makes sense in my head. ^^'

Anyway, I'm sitting in school right now, and I'm supposed to write this report. I would do it if I didn't feel like crap, you know? But Mum's just been here, and she, me and Kristina has talked about schools and stuff that I can go to. I guess it was needed, but it still wasn't pleasant, because Mum keeps finding things with me wrong. Not while we talked though. Oh no, before we got to school she was bashing me with things like "Have you told Kristina how bad a mother I am now?" and such. During the conversation she was all lovey-dovey and I-love-my-daughter-and-will-always-support-her-blah-blah. Then afterwards, she walked off without saying goodbye, and I actually ran after her (why, oh, why do I care so much? -_-). When I caught up to her she was crying and went "Why are you so cold?!" and "You need to be kind to me!"

Like I was treating her badly! :o Sure, I don't talk to her much anymore, and I keep a lot to myself and don't show much emotion around her anymore, but that's because I'm so sick and tired of what she's giving me back once I do open myself up to her. I'm emo enough without her, and my efforts to be genki and happy isn't going to get easier by listening to her criticism.

I don't know. -_- I try. Yesterday she made dinner, and I went out in the kitchen and sat down by the table to wait for her to join me. She didn't, so I went into her room to ask if she wasn't gonna eat. She came out then, but that just ended up being a silent dinner that I just as well could have eaten by myself. It would probably have been better. -_- I just don't know what to say that wouldn't end up being Lenore-bashing-time to her.

Oh well, I'm gonna go eat something now. In a more enjoyable company than Mum is, hopefully...

Relaunch!

Mia's Pensieve is open, once again!

A blog about Harry Potter and Me, with the ocassional stupid (Austin), insightful (Shigo) and intelligent (Leo) comment from my marauding friends!

Surely deemed to be much more frequently updated than this blog is... ^^' Sorry about that!