Look, I’m blogging. And I’m actually not forcing myself to do it or anything, I really feel like doing it. I know. It astounds even me.
I do need to apologise, though. And no, not because I haven’t blogged in, like, months, but because I keep blogging only when I feel like crap, lately. Guess that might not always be so fun to read about, but, eh… anyway. It’s good for me to get it out, y’know? Better than me getting panic attacks again or something. No, wait… that’s already happened. No hospitals though. I’m done with those. I never wanna set my foot in one again, except if I have a baby or something. And that was extremely off topic.
Is it a good thing I always go all sarcastic when I’m depressed? It might be funnier to read than if I would mope, I guess, so that’s a good thing.
But, eh, to try and be on topic. (Yeah, I fail at that a lot, but still.) I’m depressed. We’ve established that. In three days time it’s (“technically officially”, as Sito calls it) gonna be my nineteenth birthday. I’m at (technically officially) eighteen years old starting to fear my birthdays. The coming week most of my friends are starting school again. I’m not. (And the clock on the computer just told me it’s Monday. Isn’t it weird how I’d almost give anything to be in bed now, having a school to wake up to tomorrow?) I’m a coward, who feels horribly guilty, and perhaps a little afraid. And, oh, internet on my computer doesn’t work since the thunderstorm we had a few days ago. I wouldn’t be able to write this if it wasn’t for mum not being home, which gives me a chance to sneak onto hers.
And these are the reasons for my depression. And it makes no sense. I shall explain.
The Birthday. I just really hate the whole grown-up thing. Everyone keeps telling me it’s a good thing, younger friends telling me how jealous they are, but I don’t want all that stupid responsibility that comes with being an “adult”. Mum has told me, for as long as I can remember, that she wants me to grow up at my own pace. Bullshit, that was. Sure, I got to play with dolls for as long as I wanted, she never minded me dressing up or watching cartoons (read: anime). Then I was seventeen going eighteen, and she turned completely. Whenever she walked into my room and saw what I was watching she would look at me with pity, tell me off for daydreaming and laugh at me when I tried to make my own cosplay. She still does, although now it’s spiced up a little with that I have to get a job or try harder to get into a school. I don’t know what has happened, I can’t explain it, but I wish with all my heart that I could put it right, turn back time (and no, even Sito knows I can’t cross my own timeline, although he does get a headache thinking about it, which is fun…) and redo my two last years in high school, but I can’t. And now I’m sitting here, with no one to blame but myself for the lousy situation I’m in. (Well, I could blame the world for being so fucked up, but that’d get me nowhere. I keep hoping self-blame will pull me out of it someday.) I just keep avoiding thinking about it, ‘cause my heart hurt every time I do. I try to imagine my future, I see nothing in particular. Just… uselessness. More wallowing in depression. And Harry Potter, although someone is probably going to shoot me for writing that. Point is, there’s still all those things I wanted, and want, to do, but I just gave up, and now I’m sitting at home just writing, and writing, and writing… Mum keep telling me to be a writer, and I keep pointing out to her that I’m writing fanfiction, which will never be published, and she keeps not understating that. It’s a little bit of a mild torture, having been told so many times that what I write is so awesome (but by God, everyone, don’t stop! ^^’), and not being able to write anything original that is… well, that awesome. Woo, modesty. I’ve got it.
And I just realised I kinda covered two of my points already, and my inspiration for the whole blogging thing just flew out the closed window into the rain. I’m just gonna stop here and return to my writing that I really feel like I need right now, and keep on hoping that whatever drawing Naia-chan is working on isn’t for me. That would give me a guilt trip worthy of Vampi-chan. -_-
Anyway… As Cassandra said: buh-bye, my darlings!
